A Guide to the Holidays (Part One)
New York, New York. It's a heck of a town. Yet, unfortunately, sometimes one does have to leave it - particularly during the holiday season. So, in order to help those who do have to return to the suburbs this month, here's the first in a series of guides on how to deal with those dwelling there (or what you might call a "cheat sheet" ha ha!)
First of all, it must be remembered that many of the people who you will meet are LABORING UNDER THE ILLUSION that their lives are WORTHWHILE AND FULFILLING. Do not DISILLUSION them. In many cases, this will only ENRAGE THEM and lead them to ATTACK YOU. Instead, adopt a tone of POLITE EVASION.
Remember! Pointing out that their existences are COMPLETELY COMPROMISED AND FUTILE is not the route that you want to take.
Often, in a DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO FILL AN EMOTIONAL VOID, children will be present in the households you visit. Do not be alarmed. In this area of the world, this is considered normal. And, to be fair, a tiny minority of these non-adults will REJECT their upbringing LIKE SATAN and thus cannot be dismissed out of hand.
In fact, the KEY in situations like this is to engage the parents of the aforementioned creatures in BANAL CONVERSATION centering around them. Smile OFTEN. Maintain the FACADE that you truly care. And when in doubt, utilize several of the PLATITUDES which you are no doubt distantly aware of.
For example, kids are WONDERFUL but TIRING. They MAKE IT ALL WORTH IT. And if you give any hint that you're thinking of foregoing having them (or maybe waiting for those last few kinks in cloning to be ironed out), you are an ATHIESTIC COMMUNIST PEDERASTIC FREAK. You also probably want the TERRORISTS to WIN.
If talk turns to a parent's GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to inflict PHYSICAL HARM upon their offspring (in the form popularly known as a "slap" or "spank"), AGREE HEARTILY. Do not, however, suggest that said parent "up the ante" with a GOOD PUNCH TO THE NOSE or WATERBOARDING.
Discretion is PARAMOUNT. Do NOT question the one-sidedness of any tale of RAGE-FUELED VIOLENCE or suggest that LONG-TERM PAYBACK looms on the horizon in the form of a SQUALID, DEPRESSING NURSING HOME. On the other hand, encourage your interlocutor in the belief that the RANKS OF LOWER MIDDLE MANAGEMENT would have been so much the POORER if his own parents had acted in a MANNER REGARDED AS HUMANE AND CIVILISED BY THE REST OF THE WORLD.
In short, to sum things up, these are SIMPLE PEOPLE. And they are usually DUMBER THAN A SACK OF BRICKS. So then, be KIND. And BE AWARE.
First of all, it must be remembered that many of the people who you will meet are LABORING UNDER THE ILLUSION that their lives are WORTHWHILE AND FULFILLING. Do not DISILLUSION them. In many cases, this will only ENRAGE THEM and lead them to ATTACK YOU. Instead, adopt a tone of POLITE EVASION.
Remember! Pointing out that their existences are COMPLETELY COMPROMISED AND FUTILE is not the route that you want to take.
Often, in a DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO FILL AN EMOTIONAL VOID, children will be present in the households you visit. Do not be alarmed. In this area of the world, this is considered normal. And, to be fair, a tiny minority of these non-adults will REJECT their upbringing LIKE SATAN and thus cannot be dismissed out of hand.
In fact, the KEY in situations like this is to engage the parents of the aforementioned creatures in BANAL CONVERSATION centering around them. Smile OFTEN. Maintain the FACADE that you truly care. And when in doubt, utilize several of the PLATITUDES which you are no doubt distantly aware of.
For example, kids are WONDERFUL but TIRING. They MAKE IT ALL WORTH IT. And if you give any hint that you're thinking of foregoing having them (or maybe waiting for those last few kinks in cloning to be ironed out), you are an ATHIESTIC COMMUNIST PEDERASTIC FREAK. You also probably want the TERRORISTS to WIN.
If talk turns to a parent's GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to inflict PHYSICAL HARM upon their offspring (in the form popularly known as a "slap" or "spank"), AGREE HEARTILY. Do not, however, suggest that said parent "up the ante" with a GOOD PUNCH TO THE NOSE or WATERBOARDING.
Discretion is PARAMOUNT. Do NOT question the one-sidedness of any tale of RAGE-FUELED VIOLENCE or suggest that LONG-TERM PAYBACK looms on the horizon in the form of a SQUALID, DEPRESSING NURSING HOME. On the other hand, encourage your interlocutor in the belief that the RANKS OF LOWER MIDDLE MANAGEMENT would have been so much the POORER if his own parents had acted in a MANNER REGARDED AS HUMANE AND CIVILISED BY THE REST OF THE WORLD.
In short, to sum things up, these are SIMPLE PEOPLE. And they are usually DUMBER THAN A SACK OF BRICKS. So then, be KIND. And BE AWARE.
posted by The Gambino Crime Family at 3:13 PM
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