A Guide to the Holidays (Part Two)
Culture. Even the most benighted, distant of suburbs has heard of it. Yet there is a thin line to be walked here. Acknowledge it. Yet DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY. No one likes SOME SMART ASS who drops in every 12 months or so to show off his or her FANCY PANTS EDUCATION. Thus, with that in mind, let's take a look at the various "safe areas" which you might venture out into without the ice cracking beneath you...
Literature - In short, you can't go wrong if you praise The Da Vinci Code. (Yes, we know. We know. But can't you JUST FOR ONE NIGHT learn to get along with THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU?) Talk lovingly about the breadth of Dan Brown's imagination. Be amazed at his astonishing historical revelations. However, refrain from pointing out that he largely paints the Catholic Church as a bunch of EVIL, POPE-WORSHIPING MURDERERS. That would be rude.
Art - It all began and ended with Norman Rockwell. Boy, that guy really knew how to paint (or draw or whatever). If any instructor from the local community college wanders in and mentions some really obscure painter like Jackson Pollock, MOCK THEM HARSHLY. In fact, if any happen to be present, DRIVE THEM OUT INTO THE STREET and CAST STONES AT THEM.
Music - The same deal. DO NOT SUGGEST that any possible aesthetic satisfaction can be gained from jazz or classical music. If possible, vigorously claim that either form was cooked up at the 1968 Democratic Convention at the behest of George McGovern and/or Leon Trotsky.
However, do CELEBRATE THE WONDER that is COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC. Explain you particularly enjoy listening to it while hunting grizzlies in Montana (armed only with a dull bowie knife.)
To sum it up, this is a tricky area, one in which you must tread lightly. It's tempting to scoff at the dangers yet DO NOT DO THIS. Did you see that excellent movie about the dangers posed by flesh-eating corpses that have been infected by an ALIEN SPACE VIRUS which came out last year? Do you remember the scene at the end with the UNDEAD JAPANESE DWARVES...? Yes, that one, the one that proved so controversial.
We need not say more.
Literature - In short, you can't go wrong if you praise The Da Vinci Code. (Yes, we know. We know. But can't you JUST FOR ONE NIGHT learn to get along with THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU?) Talk lovingly about the breadth of Dan Brown's imagination. Be amazed at his astonishing historical revelations. However, refrain from pointing out that he largely paints the Catholic Church as a bunch of EVIL, POPE-WORSHIPING MURDERERS. That would be rude.
Art - It all began and ended with Norman Rockwell. Boy, that guy really knew how to paint (or draw or whatever). If any instructor from the local community college wanders in and mentions some really obscure painter like Jackson Pollock, MOCK THEM HARSHLY. In fact, if any happen to be present, DRIVE THEM OUT INTO THE STREET and CAST STONES AT THEM.
Music - The same deal. DO NOT SUGGEST that any possible aesthetic satisfaction can be gained from jazz or classical music. If possible, vigorously claim that either form was cooked up at the 1968 Democratic Convention at the behest of George McGovern and/or Leon Trotsky.
However, do CELEBRATE THE WONDER that is COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC. Explain you particularly enjoy listening to it while hunting grizzlies in Montana (armed only with a dull bowie knife.)
To sum it up, this is a tricky area, one in which you must tread lightly. It's tempting to scoff at the dangers yet DO NOT DO THIS. Did you see that excellent movie about the dangers posed by flesh-eating corpses that have been infected by an ALIEN SPACE VIRUS which came out last year? Do you remember the scene at the end with the UNDEAD JAPANESE DWARVES...? Yes, that one, the one that proved so controversial.
We need not say more.
posted by The Gambino Crime Family at 5:36 PM
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