Merry Christmas Everybody!!!!!

And don't even think about all that credit card debt (...for another week at least!)

Hooray

Strike's over. BACK TO THE CUBICLES, EVERYBODY!!!!!!

A Guide to the Holidays (Part Two)

Culture. Even the most benighted, distant of suburbs has heard of it. Yet there is a thin line to be walked here. Acknowledge it. Yet DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY. No one likes SOME SMART ASS who drops in every 12 months or so to show off his or her FANCY PANTS EDUCATION. Thus, with that in mind, let's take a look at the various "safe areas" which you might venture out into without the ice cracking beneath you...

Literature - In short, you can't go wrong if you praise The Da Vinci Code. (Yes, we know. We know. But can't you JUST FOR ONE NIGHT learn to get along with THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU?) Talk lovingly about the breadth of Dan Brown's imagination. Be amazed at his astonishing historical revelations. However, refrain from pointing out that he largely paints the Catholic Church as a bunch of EVIL, POPE-WORSHIPING MURDERERS. That would be rude.

Art - It all began and ended with Norman Rockwell. Boy, that guy really knew how to paint (or draw or whatever). If any instructor from the local community college wanders in and mentions some really obscure painter like Jackson Pollock, MOCK THEM HARSHLY. In fact, if any happen to be present, DRIVE THEM OUT INTO THE STREET and CAST STONES AT THEM.

Music - The same deal. DO NOT SUGGEST that any possible aesthetic satisfaction can be gained from jazz or classical music. If possible, vigorously claim that either form was cooked up at the 1968 Democratic Convention at the behest of George McGovern and/or Leon Trotsky.

However, do CELEBRATE THE WONDER that is COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC. Explain you particularly enjoy listening to it while hunting grizzlies in Montana (armed only with a dull bowie knife.)

To sum it up, this is a tricky area, one in which you must tread lightly. It's tempting to scoff at the dangers yet DO NOT DO THIS. Did you see that excellent movie about the dangers posed by flesh-eating corpses that have been infected by an ALIEN SPACE VIRUS which came out last year? Do you remember the scene at the end with the UNDEAD JAPANESE DWARVES...? Yes, that one, the one that proved so controversial.

We need not say more.

A Guide to the Holidays (Interupted Again)

Wow. Since a lot of other bloggers were doing it, I thought I'd share with you some of the Google searches which first took readers to this page. Enjoy!


"bitterness rage anger"

"ability Mannlicher-Carcano rifle three shots 5.6 seconds"

"clowns homicidal"

"smug apathy"

"why god why"

"deep dark secret David Cameron Japanese midget contortionists"

"truth Garfield assassination revealed"

"!!!!!!!!!!!"


And, by far the most...


"sell from home rohypnol"

A Guide to the Holidays (Interupted)

Saw in the News this morning that they want to increase the penalties for offenses against cops. Assaults. Shootings. Whatever. Cool. I always knew their lives were worth more than the rest of us. And just from watching them walk timidly down the street, scared of their own shadows, let's hope it helps with their self-image problems.

A Guide to the Holidays (Part One)

New York, New York. It's a heck of a town. Yet, unfortunately, sometimes one does have to leave it - particularly during the holiday season. So, in order to help those who do have to return to the suburbs this month, here's the first in a series of guides on how to deal with those dwelling there (or what you might call a "cheat sheet" ha ha!)

First of all, it must be remembered that many of the people who you will meet are LABORING UNDER THE ILLUSION that their lives are WORTHWHILE AND FULFILLING. Do not DISILLUSION them. In many cases, this will only ENRAGE THEM and lead them to ATTACK YOU. Instead, adopt a tone of POLITE EVASION.

Remember! Pointing out that their existences are COMPLETELY COMPROMISED AND FUTILE is not the route that you want to take.

Often, in a DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO FILL AN EMOTIONAL VOID, children will be present in the households you visit. Do not be alarmed. In this area of the world, this is considered normal. And, to be fair, a tiny minority of these non-adults will REJECT their upbringing LIKE SATAN and thus cannot be dismissed out of hand.

In fact, the KEY in situations like this is to engage the parents of the aforementioned creatures in BANAL CONVERSATION centering around them. Smile OFTEN. Maintain the FACADE that you truly care. And when in doubt, utilize several of the PLATITUDES which you are no doubt distantly aware of.

For example, kids are WONDERFUL but TIRING. They MAKE IT ALL WORTH IT. And if you give any hint that you're thinking of foregoing having them (or maybe waiting for those last few kinks in cloning to be ironed out), you are an ATHIESTIC COMMUNIST PEDERASTIC FREAK. You also probably want the TERRORISTS to WIN.

If talk turns to a parent's GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to inflict PHYSICAL HARM upon their offspring (in the form popularly known as a "slap" or "spank"), AGREE HEARTILY. Do not, however, suggest that said parent "up the ante" with a GOOD PUNCH TO THE NOSE or WATERBOARDING.

Discretion is PARAMOUNT. Do NOT question the one-sidedness of any tale of RAGE-FUELED VIOLENCE or suggest that LONG-TERM PAYBACK looms on the horizon in the form of a SQUALID, DEPRESSING NURSING HOME. On the other hand, encourage your interlocutor in the belief that the RANKS OF LOWER MIDDLE MANAGEMENT would have been so much the POORER if his own parents had acted in a MANNER REGARDED AS HUMANE AND CIVILISED BY THE REST OF THE WORLD.

In short, to sum things up, these are SIMPLE PEOPLE. And they are usually DUMBER THAN A SACK OF BRICKS. So then, be KIND. And BE AWARE.

BRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh, it sure is chilly out. Too bad those McMansions cost so darn much to heat...

I Support Our Troops

Not that this means I'll actually do anything about it (like volunteer down at the local VA hospital) but I will stand for the odd moment of silence at the next sports event I attend. And while the members of our armed forces are out getting maimed and decapitated in Iraq, I'll be thinking good thoughts about them. Because that's what an army really needs in a time of war. Empty rhetoric and meaningless sentiment on the home front.

And in reference to the late conflict in Vietnam, if I ever see a soldier walking through an airport, I certainly won't spit in his face and call him a baby-killer. (Because, let's face it, those fuckers are crazy. You think I'm going to take a chance on him being armed?)